Let’s talk about feeling social anxiety. Grace shares a memory of feeling nervous before an event, and Dr. Lockhart and Nakita discuss how we can check in with our anxiety.
Let’s talk about feeling social anxiety. Grace shares a memory of feeling nervous before an event, and Dr. Lockhart and Nakita discuss how we can check in with our anxiety.
You can find out more about Dr. Lockhart and her practice online at anewdaysa.com and on Instagram at @dr.annlouise.lockhart.
You can find Nakita’s book, A Kids Book About Emotions and other kids' books about important topics at akidsco.com
If there’s an emotion you want to share for us to explore, send us a note at listen@akidspodcastabout.com. Check out other podcasts made for kids just like you by visiting akidsco.com.
Everyday Feels: A Kids Podcast About Emotions
S1 EP4, Grace (Social Anxiety)
[INTRODUCTION]
Nakita: Hi, I'm Nakita Simpson.
Ann-Louise: And I'm Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart.
Nakita: I wrote A Kids Book About Emotions.
Ann-Louise: and I help kids and grownups work through their emotions.
Nakita: And now we're making a podcast about them.
Ann-Louise: This is Everyday Feels, a podcast about emotions for kids and their grownups.
Nakita: This podcast is better together. Listen with a grownup, with a family member, with the class or with a friend. How are you feeling today, Dr. Lockhart?
Ann-Louise: I'm feeling relaxed and fulfilled today, actually, because I ate some good food just now and had a good chat with a friend. So, how about you Nikita? How are you feeling today?
Nakita: I'm feeling pretty, pretty happy. Actually. I had a good start to my morning and I also had a really tasty snack.
Ann-Louise: Thanks for sharing how you feel, because I think that it's so important for us to be in touch with that, because sometimes we get asked the question, how are you doing? And we don't think people really want to know. And so we just say fine.
So I think it's always good to appreciate stopping and listening to others and actually hearing about their experiences.
Nakita: I agree, Dr. Lockhart, thinking about this episode, what do you do when you feel an emotion that feels uneasy or unsettling?
Ann-Louise: Ah, that's such a great question. You know, I start by taking a break like I did today. I got outside and nature ate some good food and I listened to a comedian while I was out there.
What about you? What do you do when you have uncomfortable feelings?
Nakita: Mm, that's a good question. You know, sometimes I try to calm myself down with breathing exercises, and I sit alone in a corner to calm myself before going back to what I was doing.
So we're going to discuss one of the uneasy feelings people experience today. Are you ready?
Ann-Louise: I sure am.
[LISTENER MEMORY]
Nakita: I think it's time we heard from Grace, from Portland, Oregon, who has a story to share about feeling a different kind of anxiety.
Grace is 14 years old. Let's listen to her story.
Grace: My name is Grace. I am 14 years old, and I live in Portland, Oregon. I live with my step dad and my mom with my step sister, my half-brother and my three biological siblings.
So, okay. Today in the car on my way to youth group I was feeling, pretty nervous. I was having some social anxiety and my stepsister's godmother was in the car with me and she's a therapist. So she gave me a pretty good tip, um, to focus on how I had dealed with this same moment of anxiety, the time before going to my youth group, because I feel this social anxiety happened quite often. And she told me just how I relieved that or what I felt when I got there. Not when I was feeling anxious in the moment.
Well, when I show up to youth group, I see all of my friends and that's when I'm like, this is, this is my place. I feel good. I feel calm. I want to laugh, and hang out with my friends, have fun, talk to people. But I think it's beforehand, I'm thinking overthinking everything. Like maybe I'm going to say the wrong thing, or someone's gonna look at me and be like, “Ooh, I don't want to talk to her” and I think that's when I get most anxious, but when I show up, I feel pretty good.
Yeah. So the week before, Um, I was in the car with my stepdad and he was taking me to youth group and I was feeling really anxious and. He told me like, ‘It's okay. Calm down. You're going to be good.’ And then as soon as I showed up there, everything was good and he was right. Yeah. You did. You were like it's okay. You, you gotta be calm.
Like it's good. All is good. Yeah, you did. You're like, you're like, it's good. Life's good. Be good. I'm just kidding. That sounds like my dad...
Grown-up: Well, so talk a little bit about what it feels like when you're anxious. Like just describe it.
Grace: Um, sometimes I feel light headed or I feel pretty nauseous most of the time. Like I feel butterflies in my stomach, if that makes sense,
It is not very pleasant. It makes me feel very restless. And like, I kind of want to crawl into a ball and just ignore everything. Take my moment of peace. Just everyone, leave me alone.
Um, sometimes I find things to fidget with so I can calm myself down and focus on something else or I take deep breaths just to make sure that I'm okay and I'm here and I'm alive and I'm breathing.
Um, and most of the time that calms me down and if I need something more major, like I'll talk to somebody that tends to happen a lot. So I'm a very talkative person. Help me distract myself.
I definitely feel like I will be anxious again in the future.
Um, and I know it's not going to be pleasant in the moment, but I know afterwards once I've found my thing to distract myself with, I will feel. More relieved. Um, I think it does worry me that it is going to happen again. Cause sometimes it does come to an extreme point. Um, but I know, I... I'll be good in the end.
Nakita: Thanks Grace for telling us about how anxious you were when you were heading out to meet your friends at youth group.
It’s always great to open up about your feelings to people you trust in your life, even when it doesn’t feel comfortable.
Ann-Louise: I agree Nakita, because I think it takes so much confidence and bravery to share our stories. Being vulnerable and open with others makes it okay to talk about feelings and emotions.
Because we all have them and it's okay to talk about them because we all feel them.
Nakita: Don't we all. And why don't we take a quick little break to shake, wiggle stretch, get cozy and comfy. And when we come back, we'll talk about social anxiety and why we feel it we'll even give you listeners a chance to share a memory when you felt socially anxious and listen as others around you share their own memories after the short break.
[EXPLORING THE EMOTION]
Nakita: Welcome back. We just listened to Grace who told us about feeling socially anxious while on her way to see her friends at youth group. I thought it was so great that you got a chance to talk to your stepsister’s godmother about social anxiety and got a helpful tip to manage it too.
Ann-Louise: Thank you so much, Grace. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and being so brave to share with so many others. When people feel socially anxious they overthink things and think people will judge them. They often expect the worst possible situation. Sometimes you even feel that anxiety in your stomach, your head, or your back. You know, Nakita, lots of people feel anxious about what other people might be thinking about them.
You know, as a kid, you're still learning about feelings and your brain is learning about what to do when you feel them. It's a lot to learn.
Nakita: That’s too true. Even grownups just like me are still figuring out and learning about what to do when big or small feelings happen. Growing up doesn't mean it automatically gets easier.
Oh, Dr.Lockhart, I'm wondering if there are other names used to describe the feelings connected to social anxiety?
Ann-Louise: Absolutely. Let's first define social anxiety. Social anxiety is when you think other people will judge or make fun of you, you're afraid they'll judge the way you truss speak or behave. Sometimes if the social anxiety is really big, we may want to run away, hide or escape in some way, we may even begin to avoid doing things with other people. Now, there are words we can use to describe the emotion of feeling socially anxious. And these are called synonym words, such as shy, embarrassed, shame, flustered, worried, isolated, or nervous.
Nakita: Hmm. Now, is there ever a time when it’s okay to feel socially anxious or is it a bad thing?
Ann-Louise: You know, there are times when our brain is telling us that someone or a group of people are unsafe, so the feeling of social anxiety is actually a warning system getting us to pay attention to our gut. Our gut is that uneasy feeling we get in our stomach or in our brain. Our brain wants us to pay attention to that, because it’s okay to develop our ‘spidey sense’ about other people and situations. If it can keep Spider-Man safe, then it can keep us safe too!
Nakita: Dr. Lockhart, thank you so much for sharing that. I think it's important to remember that it's okay to know that what's happening is a natural response when we're feeling socially anxious. You know, I remember feeling socially anxious when I moved from Toronto to Florida in middle school. It helps when I got involved with my school activities and made friends at my own pace, and when it came time to listen to my spidey sense, I made sure I was only doing things I was comfortable doing.
Ann-Louise: That does sound unsettling and uncomfortable, but it feels great to know that we can tap into how we're feeling.
You know, I remember feeling socially anxious when I went to. And it was a huge school. And I left a one that was super small and I felt really uncomfortable because I didn't know anybody. And I felt people were looking at me and judging me. And that felt really, really uncomfortable.
Nakita: Thanks for sharing that Dr. Lockhart. You know what I think we should do? Why don't we give everyone listening the opportunity to share a memory around social anxiety with whomever they may be listening with? Maybe that's a parent or sibling, an aunt or a friend, a teacher or a grownup you trust.
And if you're listening by yourself, you can say the memory out loud or just think it to yourself.
Ann-Louise: Nakita. I think that's a great idea.
What I would suggest is to take your time. Hold onto feeling safe. And know that sharing the memory doesn't have to be an overwhelmingly scary thing.
Think about the memory. Remember why you felt socially anxious, what you did, and what you wished you had done differently.
You can write it down, draw, and share it with your grownup.
And if you're a grown up and listening with your kid, take this time to listen, give them the space to share and provide comfort as needed.
No need to provide advice. Just listen for now. We'll give you more specific tools in a bit.
Nakita: All right. Well, here's where you can pause the podcast and share your socially anxious memory with whomever you're listening with. Take as much time as you need. Dr. Lockhart, and I will be waiting right here for you when you're ready to come back.
[REFLECTION BREAK]
Ann-Louise: Welcome back. We hope you had the opportunity to maybe share by yourself or with your grownup about a time you felt socially anxious or unsettled, and we hope that you felt heard and safe while doing it.
Nakita: Dr. Lockhart, before we wrap up, are there any tools for social anxiety that you think would help our listeners and even the grownups?
Ann-Louise: Absolutely Nakita. I have a quick reminder and two really helpful tools and tips.
Always remember your feelings are not your enemy. Your feelings give you messages about other people and the world around you. So just embrace those feelings. Even the uncomfortable ones. I know it’s hard, but this is an important part of the process. Part of growing and developing means we sometimes have to push ourselves to do things that are hard.
First tip. When you start to feel like people are judging you, ask yourself, “Does their opinion of me really matter? Why does it matter? Why shouldn’t it matter? Is it possible that those people feel just as uncomfortable as I do, even if they don’t show it on the surface?”
Second tip. Believe in and trust yourself. Your existence matters even if no one else notices or appreciates it. You are valuable simply because you exist. You don’t have to do or be anything more than you are. You are amazing. Without question. Period.
[WRAP-UP]
Nakita: That was beautiful. I loved that so much. Thanks again to Grace from Portland, Oregon for sharing with us about how she felt when she was heading to see her friends at youth group, and the anxiety she felt. And thank you, Dr. Lockhart, for talking to us about social anxiety, what it looks like and how it shows up.
And thank you for teaching us some new skills and tips we can use when we feel socially anxious, shy, or embarrassed. Most importantly, thanks for reminding us that we are valuable and have worth.
Ann-Louise: Of course, Nakita. I'm so glad to be here, talking with you about feelings and to our listeners...thanks for being here.
If you want professional help and need to talk to someone about how you feel. You can find a therapist online by typing “child psychologist near me”. You can look up all the different professionals in your area.
That's a great place to start.
Nakita: And remember, you are the expert on your emotions.
Ann-Louise: Emotions are really your friend.
Nakita: And you're always allowed to feel what you feel.
Ann-Louise: Let's continue this journey together.
[CLOSING]
Nakita: Thanks for joining us today. You can find out more about Dr. Lockhart and her practice online anewdaysa.com and on Instagram at @dr.annlouise.lockhart. You can find my book, a kid's book about emotions and other kids' books about important topics at akidsco.com
Ann-Louise: Everyday Feels is written by Nakita Simpson and Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart. Our show is edited and produced by Matthew Winner with help from Chad Michael Snavely and the team at Sound On Studios. Our executive producer is Jelani Memory. And this show was brought to you by A Kids Podcast About.
If there’s an emotion you want to share for us to explore, send us a note at listen@akidspodcastabout.com. And check out other podcasts made for kids just like you by visiting akidsco.com.
Nakita: Until next time.
Ann-Louise: Bye for now.